Practical ways to reduce conflict and give your children room to enjoy family life
What will your children remember:
Holidays and vacations should give children something to look forward to. After a separation or divorce, even a simple celebration can become tangled in schedules, hurt feelings, travel plans, and arguments about whose turn it is. This guide will help you plan ahead, communicate clearly, and protect the moments your children will carry with them.
I wrote Stop Fighting Over the Kids from both sides of the experience: as a family law attorney and as a father who went through a difficult divorce. I know how quickly a disagreement about pickup time can become an argument about everything that went wrong in the relationship. I also know that children experience those arguments very differently from the adults having them.
A lesson I have never forgotten
In my book, I describe volunteering with a group of third graders through Rainbows (www.rainbows.org) while my own son had not yet been enrolled in the program. After the Christmas break, I asked each child what they remembered most about Christmas. One little girl said her Christmas was great, except for the part when her mother would not let her see her father. The police had to come to her mother’s house. I needed a break to collect myself. If I can remember that incident from over thirty years ago, I have no doubt that little girl, now a grown woman, remembers it vividly. How sad.
That story still gets to the heart of this subject. Adults may remember who was right, who was late, or who refused to cooperate. A child may remember the fear, the raised voices, or the feeling of being caught between two people they love. Before you send the next message or insist on the next demand, pause and consider the memory you are helping create.
How to use this guide
Start with the holiday and vacation planning sections. Use the sample messages when you need help keeping a conversation focused. Then choose one simple tradition you can enjoy together, regardless of what the calendar looks like.
This guide provides general education and coaching ideas, not legal advice or therapy. Use your own court order and parenting agreement as the starting point. If you are unsure what they require, get advice from a lawyer in your jurisdiction. Where abuse, threats, or safety restrictions are involved, use appropriate professional support and safety arrangements; ordinary cooperation suggestions may not fit your circumstances.
Plan the holiday before emotions take over
A useful holiday plan answers the questions that otherwise become arguments on the doorstep. Which dates are included? When does the holiday begin and end? Who transports the children? What happens when the holiday overlaps a regular weekend or a vacation? Write down the details early enough to resolve uncertainty before everyone has made other plans.
Start with the calendar you actually have
Put the existing parenting schedule, school closures, work commitments, and important family or religious observances on one calendar. Check the school’s actual dismissal and return dates. “Winter break” and “Christmas Day” are not necessarily the same period. A holiday that matters to your family deserves a clear definition rather than an assumption that the other parent understands it the same way.
Look at the priority rules in your existing order or agreement. Do not assume that vacation always overrides holidays, or that holidays always override vacation. If the documents are unclear or conflict with a proposed plan, raise the issue before making arrangements. This guide does not establish a priority rule for your family.
Consider the whole day from your child’s seat
Splitting a holiday can work when travel is short and the adults cooperate. It can also mean two large meals, several car rides, a rushed goodbye, and little time to settle in. Alternating a defined holiday period may give children more uninterrupted time. Another possibility, where workable, is celebrating with one household on a nearby day.
These are planning options, not a formula every family should follow. Consider your child’s age, needs, traditions, travel time, and existing arrangements. Children can have meaningful celebrations on more than one date. The important question is whether the plan allows them to enjoy themselves without being responsible for adult disappointment.
Make the agreement specific
Identify the exact beginning and ending dates and times, including the year.
Name the exchange location and who handles each leg of transportation.
Clarify how the regular schedule resumes afterward.
Confirm any agreed change in writing through your usual communication channel.
Ask children about the activities and traditions they enjoy. Avoid asking them to choose between parents or negotiate the schedule. The adults remain responsible for making and communicating the arrangements.
Make vacation plans that everyone understands
In my own parenting experience, we could argue about how many days there were in a week. That sounds ridiculous until you see what can happen when “two weeks of vacation” gets attached to regular parenting days on either side. A vague plan can create a much longer separation than anyone expected.
Count the entire stretch of time
Write out the departure and return dates and times. Then look at the regular schedule immediately before and after the vacation. Count the full period the children will be away from each household. Discuss any concern about that length of time before making nonrefundable reservations or telling the children the trip is definite.
If vacation selections are not already fixed, parents can discuss a written selection process with clear deadlines and a way to address overlapping requests. Alternating who selects first in odd and even years is one possible approach. Any process must fit the existing arrangement and the children’s needs; it should not be treated as a new rule merely because it appears in this guide.
Share the practical information
Travel dates, destination, lodging contact information, and an emergency contact.
Transportation details and a plan for significant delays or changed travel arrangements.
Medication, allergies, health information, and necessary comfort items.
Any travel notices, permissions, or documents required for the particular trip.
A reasonable plan for parent-child contact while away, consistent with applicable restrictions.
Sharing information should help care for the child. It should not become an invitation to monitor every activity. Where address confidentiality or safety protections apply, use the permitted process for exchanging necessary information.
Leave room for ordinary life
A delayed flight or a sick child does not have to become a referendum on the other parent’s character. Give timely, factual updates: what changed, how the child is doing, and the revised plan. Keep the discussion about solving the immediate problem. Save broader disagreements for a separate time and an appropriate setting.
When the children return, let them settle in. Welcome their stories without interrogating them about the other household. “I’m glad you had fun” gives them permission to enjoy their experience without feeling disloyal to you.
Use words that make planning easier
Written messages give you time to think before responding. Keep each message focused on one scheduling issue. Include a clear request, the relevant dates, and enough information to answer it. Read it again before sending and remove sarcasm, accusations, and the history of your relationship.
Requesting a change
“Our family gathering is Saturday from 2 to 6 p.m. Would you agree to move the exchange from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. that day? I can handle transportation. Please let me know by Tuesday so I can finalize the arrangements. If that does not work, I understand we will need to keep the current schedule.”
Clarifying a holiday period
“I want to make sure we have the same understanding of the winter break schedule. My calendar shows pickup on December 26 at 10 a.m. and return on December 30 at 5 p.m., at our usual exchange location. Does that match your understanding? Let’s resolve any difference before we discuss plans with the children.”
Declining without starting another argument
“I cannot agree to the change requested for Friday because we already have plans. I can offer Sunday from noon to 4 p.m. if that would help. Otherwise, let’s keep the current arrangement.”
Sharing travel information
“Here are the itinerary and lodging details for our trip, along with my contact number. I will let you know promptly if our return changes. Could we plan a brief call with the children at 7 p.m. on Tuesday and Thursday, if that fits their activities and your schedule?”
When a response does not arrive Silence should not be treated as agreement. You can send a brief follow-up identifying the unresolved question. Avoid telling the other parent that you will proceed unless they object. If the uncertainty affects an existing order or an important travel decision, seek appropriate help rather than having the children carry the dispute.
These examples are starting points. Replace the details with your own and use the communication method appropriate for your circumstances. Keep a factual record of proposals, responses, and confirmed arrangements. A record is most useful when it documents what happened without adding insults or speculation.
Help children enjoy both households
You can miss your children and still give them permission to have a good time. “I love you. Have fun. I’ll see you Sunday” is easier for a child to carry than “I don’t know what I’ll do without you.” Share the heavier feelings with a trusted adult who can support you.
Make departures calm
Pack what the child needs, including medication and a favorite comfort item. Finish difficult adult conversations before the exchange, away from the child. Say goodbye warmly and keep the transition predictable. Avoid turning the driveway into a meeting about money, old grievances, or next month’s disagreement.
Support contact without taking over
When safe and appropriate, help children maintain reasonable contact with the other parent during a holiday or vacation. Plan calls around sleep, travel, and activities. A brief warm conversation can reassure a child. Repeated calls, demands for constant updates, or questions about the other adult can intrude on the child’s time.
Keep gifts out of the competition
You do not need to outspend the other household. If practical, coordinate major gifts to avoid duplication and confusion. Discuss expectations for valuable items before they travel between homes. Let children enjoy a gift without questioning its price or criticizing the person who gave it.
Give relatives a constructive role
Grandparents, extended family, and new partners can help children feel welcome. Ask them to support the schedule and keep negative comments about the other parent out of the celebration. Where appropriate, find another day for a family visit that does not fit the holiday itself. Children should not have to apologize for being unavailable.
Make a plan for your own time
A holiday without the children can be painful. Arrange a meal with a friend, visit family, take a walk, or choose a quiet activity you enjoy. Having your own plan can make it easier to avoid drawing the children into your loneliness. If the feelings are overwhelming, seek personal support.
You cannot control every choice the other parent makes. You can control your own messages, your welcome when the children return, and the atmosphere you create while they are with you. Those choices matter even when cooperation remains difficult.
Find your own Big Rock
When my son Nicholas was young, we took hikes to a large rock in a nearby park. We carried binoculars, a backpack, and a picnic lunch. To him, we were exploring the jungle and looking for wild animals. He named our special place “Big Rock.” For me, those visits offered a little peace in the middle of a difficult chapter in our lives.
As he grew, he discovered that Big Rock was only a short distance from the parking lot. He also thought it had shrunk. The place had not changed. His perspective had. What mattered was that we had shared an adventure and made it our own.
Build a tradition you can repeat
Your version of Big Rock might be a walk on the beach, pancakes on the first morning of your parenting time, a favorite library stop, a puzzle, or a picnic in the living room. Choose something affordable and realistic enough to repeat. A tradition should offer connection rather than another obligation to perform.
Keep one familiar ritual that your child enjoys, even if other things have changed.
Invite your child to help choose a new activity or a different way to celebrate.
Allow unhurried time rather than filling every hour with entertainment.
Put your phone away for part of the child-centered time and give the activity your full attention.
Let children talk about good experiences in the other household without changing the subject.
When a holiday feels different
A child can enjoy the celebration and still feel sad about the family changes. You do not need to talk them out of that feeling. Try, “I know this is different. It’s okay to miss the way it used to be. What is one thing you would like us to do together?” Listen without promising that everything will return to how it was.
If a planned activity falls apart, the day is not ruined. Make cookies, play a game, take a short walk, enjoy an activity outside the house together, watch a movie, or simply sit together and talk. Children do not need every holiday to be exceptional. They need room to be children without carrying the adults’ conflict.
A question to take with you
Years from now, what do you hope your children will remember about this time with you? Write down one answer and keep it nearby. Then make one small choice this week that helps create that memory.
Support for your next step
Custody Chaos coaching
If holiday planning keeps turning into conflict, coaching can help you organize the issues, clarify priorities, and prepare more focused communication. Explore the resources at Custody Chaos and learn about the complimentary 15-minute discovery call. Coaching is educational support and does not replace legal advice or mental health care.
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Keep learning and stay connected
Read the full book
This guide is adapted from Michael A. Mastracci’s award-winning Stop Fighting Over the Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations. For the full book, visit the page below for the free PDF offer and paperback and Kindle purchase links.
Stop Fighting Over the Kids — free PDF and purchase options
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About Mike Mastracci
Michael A. Mastracci, Esq., is a Maryland attorney with more than 35 years of experience and the founder of Custody Chaos. His work draws on his professional experience with families and his personal experience navigating a prolonged, high-conflict divorce and child custody battle. Through his writing and coaching, he helps parents focus on practical choices that reduce conflict and keep children’s needs in focus.
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About this guide
Adapted primarily from “Holidays & Vacations” in Stop Fighting Over the Kids, with related material from “The Path To Big Rock,” “Writing Letters & E-mail,” and the book’s guidance on transitions, gifts, and scheduling.
Offers and website content may change. This educational guide does not create an attorney-client relationship. Michael A. Mastracci’s legal practice is in Maryland; Custody Chaos coaching is a separate educational service and available throughout the United States.
Happy Holidays—Plan with Care.
Make Memories That Matter.